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    What is domestic violence?

    What is Domestic Violence?
    Domestic Violence affects as many as 1 in 4 women in their lifetime, regardless of ethnic origin or status (British Medical Association, 1998). Domestic violence is repeated physical, psychological, sexual or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and is part of a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour.

    Crime statistics and research both show that domestic violence is gender specific - usually the perpetrator of a pattern of repeated assaults is a man.

    Domestic violence includes a range of behaviours

    Physical Abuse: pushing, shoving, beating, burning, strangling, kicking, killing.

    Sexual Abuse: sexual degradation, rape, forcede and unwanted sexual practices.

    Psychological Abuse: control of every part of her daily life, threats to kill her or her children, isolation and control of her contact with the outside world, verbal abuse and threats, constant criticism, sleep deprivation.

    Research has shown any woman can experience domestic violence regardless of race, ethnic or religious group, class, sexuality, disability or lifestyle.

    Domestic Violence can destroy the lives of abused women and children.
    What the facts show

    Domestic abuse is a frequent cause of insignificant injury, mental health difficulties and chronic health problems among women.
    Stark & Flitcraft (1996)

    Women fleeing domestic violence are most likely to attend Accident and Emergency departments due to the 24-hour access and the anonymity they provide.
    Tilden & Shepherd (1987)

    It is estimated that fifty per cent of women being treated for mental illness will have a history of domestic violence. It has been well documented that psychiatric illness, particularly depression and anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder is greater amongst women who have experienced domestic violence.
    Richardson (1997)

    Suicide attempts, drug and alcohol abuse are more common in abused women.
    Stark and Flitcraft (1991)

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    Defining violence and abuse

    This section will focus on domestic violence as defined as abusive or controlling behaviour used by a partner to exert power over a wife, girlfriend, lover, mother, sister or daughter. Although the woman is primarily the target, the violence can also be directed towards children, family members and friends of the woman herself.
    Approximately 95% of the victims of domestic violence are women. Violence also happens in lesbian and gay relationships and less commonly by women against men.
    All forms of abuse - psychological, economic, emotional and physical - come from the abuser's desire for power and control.
    This list can help you to recognise if you, or someone you know, are in an abusive relationship.
    * Destructive Criticism and Verbal Abuse:
    * Shouting / mocking / accusing / name calling / verbally threatening.
    * Pressure tactics: Sulking; threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children; lying to your friends and family about you; telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
    * Disrespect: Persistently putting you down in front of other people; not listening or responding when you talk; interrupting your telephone calls; taking money from your purse without asking; refusing to help with childcare or housework.
    * Breaking trust: Lying to you; withholding information from you; being jealous; having other relationships; breaking promises and shared agreements.
    * Isolation: Monitoring or blocking your telephone calls; telling you where you can and cannot go; preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
    * Harassment: Following you; checking up on you; opening your mail; repeatedly dialling 1471 to see who has telephoned you; embarrassing you in public.
    * Threats: Making angry gestures; using physical size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun.
    * Sexual violence: Using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts; having sex with you when you don�t want to have sex; any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
    * Physical Violence: Punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning; strangling; raping.
    * Denial: Saying the abuse doesn't happen; saying you caused the abusive behaviour; being publicly gentle and patient; crying and begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again.

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    How will my children be affected?

    Children are individuals and they will react in different ways to being brought up in a home with a violent person.
    Some children will be affected by tension or by witnessing arguments, distressing behaviour or assaults. They may feel that they are to blame, or feel insecure, alone, frightened or confused, just like you.
    Talk to them. Be as honest as you can about the situation without frightening them. Reassure them that the violence is not their fault and that they are not responsible for adult behaviour. Explain to them that violence is wrong and that it does not solve problems. Remember, your children will naturally trust you - try not to break that trust by directly lying to them.
    There will be times, however, when you will want to protect your children by avoiding certain issues, such as the reality behind an imminent move to a refuge. You can make this move feel exciting by saying that you are all going away for a little while to a special place for mothers and children. Explain to your children that the move does not mean that they will never see other family members, their friends or their pets again.
    All refuges have children's workers who will make your children feel safe and at home in the refuge, and almost all refuges will have other children staying there when you arrive. There will always be a playroom for children, and the Children's Worker will arrange activities for young refuge residents both in and away from the refuge. These children's activities will benefit you as well as your children; you will have time to consider your own options and discuss your plans with other adults.
    Children are an important part of refuge life. The children staying in a refuge have the opportunity to meet other children in a similar situation to theirs. They can talk about their experiences to each other and begin to understand that they are not alone. With the help and support of refuge workers, children can be helped to come to an understanding of their situation.
    Men who are abusive to women do not necessarily abuse children too, but it can happen. If you suspect that this is happening or that it has happened, it is important that you raise this issue with your children and take steps to protect them, for example, by seeking advice from the social services or other agencies who are there to assist and protect children. Social workers will not take your children away if they can work with you to make sure they are safe.
    If your child, or a child you know, tells you that they have been abused or have witnessed violence and abuse in their home, here are some guidelines to help you acknowledge the problem with them:
    * Listen carefully to the child and let them tell the story in their own time.
    * Reassure the child that they are not to blame for what is happening at home.
    * Show the child that you are concerned for them. Try to stay calm and not let the child see how shocked you are.

    Remember that children have rights of their own.

    The National Child Protection Helpline (NSPCC) - 0800 800500
    This is a free, confidential service for anyone concerned about children at risk, including children themselves. The service offers counselling, information and advice.

    Careline - 0181 514 1177
    A national, confidential counselling line for children, young people and adults on any issue including family, marital & relationship problems, child abuse, rape & sexual assault, depression and anxiety.

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    Signs of Domestic Violence

    Signs of domestic violence

    Evidence of domestic violence can vary considerably from woman to woman. You may be aware of a range of behaviours that concern you, as well as physical signs.

    She may be nervous, withdrawn and lack self-esteem.
    She may be very defensive about her injuries.
    She may play down what has happened to her.
    Her reasons for injury or illness may not quite add up.
    Women experiencing domestic violence present very frequently to health services and require wide-ranging health interventions.
    Drossman (1995), Collins (1999)
    Domestic Violence can affect health in many ways. Be alert to possible signs:

    Does the woman make frequent appointments for vague complaints or symptoms?
    Is there a delay in seeking help?
    Are appointments often missed?
    Are there injuries which seem inconsistent with explanations?
    Is there evidence of injuries at different stages of healing?
    Does the woman minimise her injuries?
    Is the woman always accompanied by her partner or another person?
    If so, does she seem nervous or afraid of her partner?
    Does the partner seem aggressive, dominant or nervous? Is he reluctant for her to speak for herself?

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    What can I do if I'm involved in a violent relationship?

    The first step is acknowledging that it is happening to you and to stop playing down the abuse you are experiencing.
    The second step is to recognise that you are not to blame. No-one deserves to be assaulted, humiliated or abused, least of all by their partner in a supposedly caring relationship.
    The third step is to begin seeking the help and support that is available. This step includes gaining emotional support and practical help such as considering rehousing opportunities and gaining legal advice that will protect you and stop the violence against you.

    68% of women suffering domestic violence did not seek help at the time of their injuries. Bates (1995)

    Why don't abused women leave?
    Women stay in violent relationship for years for reasons ranging from love to terror:
    * She may have nowhere else to go and a lack of knowledge about what help is available.
    * She may still care about her partner and hope that they will change.
    * She may feel ashamed about what has happened or believe that its her own fault.
    * She may be scared that he will try to kill her or her children if she tries to leave or seek help.
    * She may be scared of the future, where will she go, what will she do for money, will she have to hide forever, what will happen to the children.

    Why doesn't she tell someone?

    * Fear of not being believed or being judged.
    * Fear that you will blame her.
    * Fear that the violence will worsen if outsiders get involved.
    * Worry about her future if she leaves - she may think she will not be able to cope, or may be financially dependent on her abuser.
    * Guilt, shame or because she's made to feel that she's responsible for the violence.
    * She may still love her partner, and hope that he will change.
    * Cultural reasons that prevent her from disclosing the abuse.
    * Fear that her children will be taken into care.

    Did you know? Research shows that health care services are often the first point of contact for women living with violent men.

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    Should I involve the police?

    The role of the police
    Domestic violence is a crime which the police treat as a very serious matter. At the time of any incident of serious threat or physical attack, dial 999.
    The police should be sympathetic and offer practical help and advice. Most forces have specially trained, experienced officers attached to the Domestic Violence Unit (DVU) of your local police station. They should give you the opportunity of being listened to and spoken to separately, away from your abuser. If they do not offer you this opportunity, ask for it - it is your right.
    You can also ask to be seen by a woman police officer (WPC) and, if you wish, they can arrange medical aid, transport and a safe place for you to go.
    Their first priority is your safety and well-being. often ringing MFCC for support to ensure you have the correct help after leaving the Police.

    Two women are killed every week by current or former partners.
    Home Office / Cabinet Office (1999)

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    How can I help a friend who is experiencing domestic violence?

    Unless you are attempting to assist someone who has been very open about their experiences it may be difficult for you to acknowledge the problem directly. However, there are some basic steps that you can take to assist a friend, family member, colleague, neighbour or anyone you know who confides in you that they are experiencing domestic abuse.
    Approach her in an understanding, non-blaming way. Explain to her that she is not alone and that there are many women like her in the same situation. Acknowledge that it takes strength to trust someone enough to talk to them about experiencing abuse. Give her time to talk; don't push her to go into too much detail if she doesn't want to.
    Acknowledge that she is in a scary, difficult situation. Tell her that no-one deserves to be threatened or beaten, despite what her abuser has told her. Nothing she can do or say can justify the abuser's behaviour.
    Support her as a friend. Be a good listener. Encourage her to express her hurt and anger. Allow her to make her own decisions, even if it means she isn't ready to leave the relationship. This is her decision.
    Ask if she has suffered physical harm. Offer to go with her to the hospital if she needs to go. Help her to report the assault to the police if she chooses to do so.
    Be ready to provide information on the help available to abused women and their children. Explore the available options with her. Go with her to visit a solicitor if she is ready to take this step.
    Plan safe strategies for leaving an abusive relationship. Let her create the boundaries of what is safe and what is not safe; don�t encourage her to follow any strategies that she is expressing doubt about.
    Offer the use of your address and/or telephone number for information and messages relating to your friend's situation.
    Look after yourself while you are supporting someone through such a difficult and emotional time. Ensure that you do not put yourself into a dangerous situation; for example, do not offer to talk to the abuser about your friend or let yourself be seen by the abuser as a threat to their relationship.

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    What is a refuge and how can I stay in one?

    A refuge is a safe house where women who are experiencing domestic abuse can live free from violence. If you have children, you can take them with you. Refuge addresses are confidential. There are over 250 refuges in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland - you can choose to travel as far away from, or stay as near to your home town as you wish. Some refuges have space for many women and children, and some refuges are small houses.
    Some refuges are specifically for women from particular ethnic or cultural backgrounds - for example Black, Asian or South American women - and many refuges have disabled access and workers who can assist women and children who have special needs.
    There are some refuges that have self-contained family units but most refuges will usually give you your own room for yourself to share with your children at the refuge and other spaces - the living room, TV room, kitchen, playroom and possibly the bathroom - will be shared with other refuge residents. You will be expected to cook for yourself and your children. It is up to you and the other refuge residents whether or not you share cooking or eat together at mealtimes.
    Refuges have their own codes of conduct regarding the day-to-day running of the house which will usually cover things like bedtimes for children, incoming telephone calls and rotas for using the washing machine.
    You can be as self-contained or as sociable as you want to be.

    Who can go into a refuge?
    Any woman who needs to, whether married or single, with or without children, at any time.

    How do I arrange refuge accommodation?
    You can contact your local Women's Aid refuge by calling the Women's Aid National Helpline. When the Helpline is closed, you can contact refuges through the Samaritans, the police, social services or the Citizens Advice Bureau.
    You can go into a refuge on the day that you call the Helpline to arrange refuge accommodation. We cannot book accommodation in advance for you, nor can we guarantee that there will be space in the location of your choice.
    When you contact the Helpline looking for refuge accommodation, you can choose whether you want a volunteer to find refuge space for you or whether you would prefer to be given refuge telephone numbers yourself.
    If you choose to take the numbers yourself, you will be given the public telephone numbers of the refuge(s) of your choice.
    If you decide you would like the Helpline volunteer to liaise with the refuge on your behalf, you will be asked for your name (you only have to give your first name if you prefer) and the ages of any children who are with you. You will have to give a telephone number where we can call you back once we have found the accommodation for you, or where a refuge worker can call you back directly. Don't worry about calling from a telephone box. As long as the telephone you are at takes incoming calls and you are in a safe place where you can wait for any return calls from the Helpline, it doesn't matter where you are calling from.
    Your name and telephone number are not kept on file at the Helpline. You cannot be contacted at the refuge via the Helpline.
    Once you have refuge accommodation, a refuge worker will discuss the location of the refuge with you. It is important that you keep this information to yourself, and that you take care not to leave it at your home as you leave.

    What can I take with me to the refuge?
    As a guide, remember to take with you to the refuge:
    * Identification
    * Birth Certificates for you and your children
    * School and medical records, including the telephone numbers of the school and your GP or surgery
    * Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit cards
    * Keys - house, car, office
    * Driving Licence and car registration documents
    * Prescribed medication and vitamin supplements
    * Welfare Benefit identification and your child allowance book
    * Passports, visas and work permits
    * Mortgage details or lease and rental agreements
    * Current unpaid bills
    * Insurance documents
    * Address book
    * Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value
    * Your children's favourite items of clothing and small toys
    * Toiletries and clothes for you and your children

    Not all women will need all of these items, and there may be some items that you would need to take that have not been included in this list, but this is a general guide.

    What can't I take with me to a refuge?
    You will not be able to take large items such as furniture with you to the refuge, nor will you be able to take pets.
    If you have a dog, or dogs, you should contact your local branch of The National Canine Defence League before you go to the refuge. The NCDL operate regional 'fostering' schemes for dogs, and sometimes other pets, whose owners cannot afford to pay for private kennel arrangements while they are separated from their pets temporarily. You will find the telephone number of your local NCDL in your local telephone directory. If there is not a NCDL in your area, contact your local RSPCA or Blue Cross instead. These numbers should also be in your local telephone directory.

    What do I do about money and rent?
    Once you've left your home you are a single person and can claim social security benefits for yourself and any children you have with you. This is your right. Refuge workers can assist you with this.
    If you are in full or part-time regular employment that you wish to continue with, but need to go into temporary refuge accommodation as a result of domestic violence, consider discussing your situation with your manager, your boss, or your personnel officer, in confidence, in order to arrange some time off work which could be allocated as annual or sick leave.
    If you leave full or part time employment in order to relocate and move into refuge accommodation, your rights to benefit may be affected. You will need to discuss this with a refuge worker as soon as you move into the refuge.

    What about my permanent housing situation?
    You can return home from the refuge at any point. You may decide to return with an injunction. You may decide you want to be rehoused elsewhere. The choice is yours, and refuge workers will help you to decide what you want to do. They will also tell you how to get advice regarding joint property and mortgage agreements.
    Do not agree to sign any documents relating to the tenancy or ownership of your home until you have taken legal advice.

    How long can I stay at the refuge?
    You can stay as long as you need to. This might be anything from a couple of days to several months. Many women stay in refuges for a break from the violence, a breathing space with time to think away from danger. Some women decide to return to the man they were living with to try again.
    However long you decide to stay for, you can be as sociable or as quiet as you want to. Should you want it, there is support available but no-one at the refuge will make you do anything you don't want to do.

    If I leave a refuge, can I go back?
    Yes, you can use the refuge for information, friendship and support, or you can go back as a resident if you need to.